Do we discriminate against virgins? Part 1: Women

Since I am now in Korea, my friend and I have had quite a lot of time to talk. Mostly, because we have only a few  other friends. This topic came up a few days ago and struck a chord. Why do we the experienced women diss virgins?

My friend told me a story of how, two of our mutual acquaintances completely ignored someones comment on the conversation, because she was ‘still a virgin.’ She was shut out of a conversation just because she has never made the choice to have sex. This seems ridiculous right? I mean she is still a person that can have thoughts and feelings. Why shouldn’t we respect that as a life choice? She respects that they have made the choice to have sex and doesn’t call them sluts.

You know what I think it is? The women who diss virgins are actually dealing with their own issues about how they lost their virginity. Many of us don’t like the way we lost our virginity. Mine personally sucked, I slept with some guy I didn’t really know while I was drunk and hopped on pills. I have gotten over it and my regret. This took a long time and a lot of working on who I was and what I wanted.

The women who don’t diss someones opinion usually are at peace with the way it all went down. My friend, who brought this up, lost her virginity to someone she only knew a few days, but she made this decision because she knew she wouldn’t regret it. She sees this event as something that happened that didn’t significantly change the way she felt about her self worth. She doesn’t regret it and so doesn’t get jealous that another girl still has hers.

My issue with this is that we, women, are making girls feel like ‘they just need to lose it.’ WHAT? The fact that girls are feeling pressure to fit in by having sex is unacceptable. We want a world that doesn’t judge a women for having sex, we also need to make a place for someone who chooses not to have sex. Sex is also not a weapon to make people feel like shit. It is a choice that everyone has the freedom to make.

Honestly, it would be great for everyone to have great sex.. all the time. It is honestly on my top 3 favorite activities. Sex is not a weapon, it is an activity, that for some is a hobby or even more important in creating new life (tiny shudder of fear went through me). A hobby you need to do in private, but it should not negatively effect your self worth or the value you place on someone else’s. If you are using sex as a weapon, against girls or guys, rethink your actions because you’re doing it wrong. If you are using it as a tool to get something, lets just slap on the prostitute name tag and call it a day (Nothing wrong with prostitution, but lets just be honest about what you are doing). My advice to you kiddos is to get some therapy, grow up and deal with the issues. There are still some prime years ahead of you that you may actually be able to enjoy. To those of you who are still unicorns, don’t make this choice because ‘you just want to get it over with.’ Wait, make the a choice you know you won’t regret. It could be with someone you love or someone you met on New Years Eve in Paris. Just know that the choice you make is something you alone can make and in the end it really only effects you.

Not exactly a light hearted post, but it is something that stuck with me.

A

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How does the pill effect your life?

Birth control… Many of the rational sexually active women I know are on it. So today we will be talking all about the pill and I will be giving you some more SCIENCE knowledge that is important to your relationship. No really, if you’re on hormonal birth control (the pill, the patch, the shot, etc), your medication could effect your feelings for your special someone. If you wanna skip history and the benefits scroll down

So first some history:
1921: Scientsts found that hormones inhibited ovulation and therefore pregnancy
1960: Enovid, the first, pill is approved as contraception.
1969: Depo-Provera is approved as a high-dose progestin injection.
1976: Progestasert, the first hormonal IUD
2002: Nuva Ring and Otho Evra, the patch, were launched.

Pros of hormonal birth control

    • The perfect use failure rate is less than 1%. Even the ‘typical use’ failure rate is only 8% (that means people like me who can’t remember everyday, but hey no babies yet!). Even condoms have a perfect use failure rate of 2% and typical use failure rate of 15%.
    • You know you are taking that shit… I hate to say it, but I trust very few of my sexual partners to not fuck up condoms and 15% is too high.
    • There are now so many pill options that no can say “I am not on the pill because it messes with my mood.” I personally have tried 3 different options before I found my best fit
    • Fringe benefits
      • Shorter, lighter, more regular, and less painful periods
      • May reduce the severity or frequency of menstrual migraines
      • Can improve bleeding and pain associated with endometriosis and fibroids
      • May improve acne
      • Can lower risk of ovarian and uterine cancer
      • Can lower risk of pelvic inflammatory disease
      • May improve bone density before menopause (Thanks WebMD)

So the point of that was to basically say… Don’t stop the pill because of what I am about to tell you.

In recent years, a real world study and a laboratory study has found that the pill can change a woman’s taste in men in two ways.

  1. Basically what happens is that when you are not on the pill, you attracted to men with major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes that are different from their own MHC genes. Your body can literally smell the difference between someone with different MHC genes. But when you are on the pill you are attracted to someone who has similar MHC genes.
      1. The theory behind this is that you want family, people with similar MHC genes, around you when you are pregnant (which the hormones in the pill mimic) to help you take care of your child.
  2. Women off the pill are more likely to choose more masculine men (more testosterone and certain physical markers). Women on the pill are attracted to less masculine men then normal.
      1. Less masculine men tend to be better caretakers then masculine men. Again that whole your body is assuming your pregnant thing.
  3. Women are less sexually satisfied on the pill, but generally happier with their partner overall.
      1. This goes hand in hand with the masculine thing… The less physically attractive you are the more you have to compensate with being nice, making money, other qualities women find attractive.

Several sex therapists and sexologists, that is actually a real science friends, suggest that before you get married women go off the hormonal contraceptives for several months to see if their feelings change. Now lets be real… this hormone change might really really effect some marriages but my feeling is that if you have a solid relationship then this probably doesn’t matter. However, if your relationship falls on hard times this may be the straw that breaks the camels back. Some scientists have also suggest that this change in hormonal contraception might make women more likely to cheat (however this is no excuse).

Hope you are more informed!

A

SCIENCE

The Problem with the Pill

Scents and Sensibility

MHC Compatibility

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Prostates and UTIs

(Sorry this took so long, I am getting ready for a trans-Pacific move)

Okay so fun anatomy fact: Women have a prostate. Something I never really knew… not that I am an anatomy buff. I am actually pretty awful at anatomy despite the Biology degree. Often the female prostate is called the Skene’s gland. It surrounds the urethra and helps you control your bladder flow. Now, why am I talking about this on a blog about relationships and sex. Don’t worry, I will get there, bear with me.

A problem, some of my friends often have are UTI’s. If you have never had one, count yourself lucky. They suck. A UTI is a urinary tract infection, literally nasty bacteria is getting all up in your urethra, bladder or kidneys. When I have had one, it makes me feel like I have to pee all the time. UTIs don’t happen because someone is dirty, they happen because some people have a lower immune system or are just more prone to them in general. Now to be fair, woman who have sex more often are more likely to get them. Let’s think about that though, sex is when someone is getting their hands, mouths and private parts all up in your business. Your body and mouth is literally coated in bacteria. I don’t care if you just purelled your entire body and listerined your mouth, you and your man or woman have bacteria, get over it.

YUMMY, but I want mine with Vodka

Back to UTI’s, they suck. However, UTI’s if left untreated can cause damage to your body. Multiple and severe UTIs can cause kidney damage and sepsis. Now there are ways to prevent UTIs and treat them (find them here: NIH). Normally, If I feel like a UTI is coming on, I run right out and get some cranberry juice, turns out that is not just an urban legend (Science!)

Now, one would think that our bodies as evolved as they are would have some way to prevent infections that could cause damage to a major organ. Turns outs we may just have evolved this fun little trait.

Lets go back to the Skene’s gland. The male prostate helps men ejaculate and get hard. Turns out that it may do the same thing for us. Woman generally don’t ejaculate, but we probably should. Before anybody says “Gross!” Female ejaculate is not urine (look at the Science 2 link) and is perfectly natural. Many times we either do not get sufficiently turned on or we are unwillingly to ‘let go’ during sex. Now the first time I ejaculated, I thought I just peed on some one, which would be awkward to say the least. Now I know that it just happens with a particularly strong g-spot orgasm or after multiple orgasms and on top of it, my partner gets to be pretty damn proud of themselves as it happens rarely.

So why should we strive to ejaculate and orgasm every time we have sex? Well, its fun and amazing, but science. Female ejaculate is viscous and white just like a man’s, however our ejaculate may serve a unique function to help protect against UTIs. It may help prevent UTIs by containing antimicrobial compounds such as zinc. Read this for more info: Science 2!

Personally, I think this is a great reason to keep sexy time going longer. Think about it. If you have UTI’s less and stronger, better orgasms aren’t your more likely to want sex more often? Which leads to a happier and stronger relationship. Now, ladies, this leads me to the point that you need to allow your body some practice at letting the orgasm go. It honestly feels like you have to pee during sex, but don’t stress, your body won’t let you pee during sex. That feeling is probably a really strong orgasm coming on. ENJOY IT and LET Go! Ejaculating during sex takes practice and a committed, open partner, but all of this leads to more sexy time so good times will be had by all. (Then you can listen to this: Lonely Island)

Now that I have thrown some science at you, I have to continue to pack for Korea!

A

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Are two bad options really options?

I have a friend, Lulu*, with whom I recently had a conversation about two men she is ‘talking’ to. She told me the tale that so many of us know so well … One of these guys she had dated for about a month, but they broke up when she moved away for a job. They have been on the back burner for each other since that time. The other is a guy she has been hooking up with for the past 6 yrs. They have never dated, but she is interested in him as more than a friend. She doesn’t know what to do, because they are both “great” guys. She also really wants to be in a committed relationship and has stated such.

How many of us have found ourselves in similar situations? We have options, but are they really options? Knowing a bit more about these guys, I don’t think either of them is particularly a catch plus both live 6 hrs away (Not exactly a winning start). Yes, Lulu may have options, but they both suck. We tend to get stuck on the idea of being in a relationship to make us happy. Are we so worried that we will end up alone that we are willing to ignore huge incompatibilities? Should we just choose the best option?

Umm Hell no. Seriously ladies… calm the fuck down. We can’t expect that our Mr. Darcy is going to show up and everything is going to be fine at the ripe old age of mid twenties. You know why the divorce rate at two years for people under 25 is 75%? It is because we don’t really know ourselves before our mid twenties and when the individuals of a couple change, they move away from one another. Constantly searching for love, searching for Mr. Right and obsessing about settling down just makes women look insane. Do you think 25 yr old men really spend large amounts of their time freaking out about finding their perfect Mrs.? Probably not.

Now, I am not saying that you should hide yourself away every weekend and solely focus on a career, but seriously, don’t obsess. Put yourself out there on a dating site or go on dates, but patience my friend, patience. The great relationships come, but we may miss them if we are dating Mr. So-So because we did not want to be alone.

The gist: Calm Down. Enjoy life. The rest of the pieces will fall together.

Love ya,

A

*Not her real name, but you knew that didn’t you?

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The Importance of Catharsis

Catharsis, according to Wikipedia, is a Greek word that is about cleansing or purging. After a relationship, no matter how short or long, it is important to purge yourself of the other person. It helps clear your mind and allows you to see the opportunities and gifts you already have around you. I will point out that I would qualify your relationship time as the time you spent emotionally involved. So for instance if you had a crush on a guy for a month and then dated for a month, I would count this as two months based on your emotional involvement.

One night stand (1-11hrs): Take a shower, man up, get on with your life and try again next weekend. No really, if you met a guy on a weekend then your chances of anything past this are slim to none. Hopefully, you already are a big girl and knew this. If he didn’t stay or didn’t take you to a meal then you’re SOL my friend.

Short Relationships (12hrs- 1 month): Most of us are likely to, even after one or two dates, have some type of attachment to a person barring that they don’t completely suck. So if this thing isn’t gonna work then I suggest drinking some wine or shots, whatever your style, have a night with the girls and then on to the next one.

Medium/Long Relationships (2 months – 1yr): Cry. Now I am not much of a crier but sometimes allowing those emotions to catch in your body is not healthy. Sometimes it is necessary to put on some depressing as shit music and just ball your eyes out.  It is also important to view this relationship as a learning experience and LEARN from it. I would also suggest taking some time off from the dating game, you can’t really move on if half your thoughts are still about someone else. Plus let’s be real, is that really fair to the new person? Would you want to date someone who was still thinking about their ex? Hell no. Rule of thumb: take a quarter of the time you dated this person off from dating other folks. (1 year = 3 months off)

Personally, I just balled my eyes out yesterday. I had a long term relationship and we broke up in January. I have been off and on with other people since then but nothing long term until my current situation (see previous). Yesterday, I just got caught up by the fact my ex sent me a message that just said ‘I hate you’ and some other crap coming together in my head. So what did I do? I listened to some sad songs, cried, calmed down and cried again. It sucked and I am sure I looked like a hot mess, but you know what? This morning I was able to be productive and move past emotional land because of releasing the emotions and not holding on to them.

Try it… It helps, and if you don’t want to have someone hear you, cry in the shower. Plus then you don’t get snot on everything

P.S. If you’re that girl that decides the time for Catharsis is at the bar then I will mock you. After 22, if you are crying in a bar you need to grow the fuck up.

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Great Book: Sex at Dawn

This is one of my favorite reads in a long long time!

If you have ever wondered about your great x 1000 grandmother’s sex life look no further! This book discusses our prehistoric sex habits and how they continue to effect or society today. It takes some pretty interesting views on monogamy and why we cheat. It also talks about evolution. If you are religiously minded, you will probably not enjoy this book. For everyone else looking to expand their knowledge about sex and why we are tempted to have it with different folks look no further.

On a more personal note, I have in my past and sometimes present have felt societal pressure and guilt about having slept with a decent number of men and women and my sexual appetite ( 2x a day please). This book makes a lot of those urges seem normal and well natural ( or I am trying to defend my loose ways, whatevs). As a scientist, who actually looked at a decent portion of the source papers, I think this is a pretty valid theory. However, I will say that the more popular monogamy theory also has some valid points. I will say that I am biased towards this book just because it seems more natural, as in actually nature not human nature, that we have many partners and are promiscuous.

Read the book and then compare it with the theory in the book The Red Queen. Make your own damn decisions and then come back and we can discuss it till the cows come home (it’s gonna be a while since I don’t own cows)

A

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The Almost-a-Relationship Relationship

Your sleeping together, hanging out and people ask if he is your boyfriend but you don’t have a title? Or maybe, he says loves you but is “just too busy” right now for a relationship? There are hundreds of permutations of this relationship and each one has unique circumstances. Currently, I feel like this is the relationship I am in.

My “unique” circumstance: I have known this guy for a while (6yrs). We hooked up for the first time in March since then we have slept together once and made out for two hrs another time. In between March and now, I have moved back to my home town where he lives, however, I will be moving to South Korea in a month. In between our hook ups we hang out… A lot? We also text everyday when we aren’t hanging out. See now it is gonna get complicated, I have slept with his cousin and said cousin has told me he loves me multiple times when drunk. I have also known the cousin longer, but he is dating someone plus I am no longer really interested in him.

How in the hell did this happen? My goal this summer was to sleep with no one… Wtf?  My friends the most shocking part of this story is that I like him…. actually like him as in more than a friend. Do I know if he likes me? Nope. So my dilemma is what to do? Obvs it would be imprudent to date, I am going to Korea for a year! My current plan is to just ignore the feelings and enjoy the summer. If feelings get brought up, then we can make a decision, but a year is a long time and we could change so much during that time plus an international long distance relationship is a really hard plus no sex for a year.  I will admit that I am taking the cowards way out, but I would like to think barring the international move our situation would be different.

However, here is what you can do to solve your own almost-in-a-relationship relationship problems:

  1. Assess your situation: Do you really like him or is he just convenient? Are you really compatible for dating? Are your emotion and physical needs being met? Please bear in mind that your needs include everything you would want, so if you want to bring him to family functions  then that is a need. (yes, go to 2. No? Go to 3.)
  2. If your needs are being met, do you really need a title? In my case, my needs both emotionally and physically are being met and  I do not need a title or someone to go to family functions. I have a great friend, bar buddy and hookup and that is just fine with me, now if I was staying in the country I may feel differently.  If you really want and need that title then jump to step 4.
  3. If your needs are NOT being met, then you need to think about what you want. Don’t go too psycho on this please. If you start making a list that includes a house, kids and a BMW then we are going too far.
  4. Have a god damn discussion. No really, talk to him. Men are not mind readers and all those ‘signals’ your sending out do not count as mfing communication. You can see that I am passionate about the issue of communication. We (people, not just women) tend to say less in relationships not more. When you want to change the status of a relationship this is a two way street.  If you don’t talk to him, please don’t bitch to anyone ever. 
  5. If all goes well you will get what you want. Congrats this process is over. If it doesn’t go well… You need to learn from this. I have many friends who start this type of relationship and get hurt, because they settled for something they didn’t really want. Next time you are in this situation say what you want up front. If he wants the same, he will tell you and if not, you don’t waste time pining over him. 
  6. Be Happy! You are responsible for your happiness. Some one can only truly love you if you love yourself. Sappy but true.
 
So hope this helps. Just as a disclaimer: I have had this conversation multiple times with people ( I am a slow learner).  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but every time is a learning experience. 
 
Questions or topics you want me to write about? Leave a comment!
 
A
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